seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
