Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
