The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
please don't ironically join a cult
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