I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
