I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
