i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
