I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
