The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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