I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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