we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
