matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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