i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize