I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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