it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize