Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The air taste purple.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
