she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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