I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
