we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
