He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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