I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
