This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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