my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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