I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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