I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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