the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize