he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
