9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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