Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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