these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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