I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
