if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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