pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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