i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
as a side note pls kill me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
