today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
