Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
