ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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