I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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