Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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