Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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