Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
