Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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