I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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