Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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