trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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