the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
