Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
