Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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