On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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