i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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