Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
