so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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