im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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