got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
