i need an iv and a liver transplant
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
