Whod you bang
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
