k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
