only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
