I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
