my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize