Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
