my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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