Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
