Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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