Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
