I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My balls are so social today.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
