i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
