For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
