So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
