Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
