I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
