I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
