o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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