erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
