The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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