"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
