What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
