I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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