hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
