you're like a bully in the Christmas story
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
