I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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