Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
