I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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