we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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