I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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